Top 79+ Best Pressure Jokes To Share

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Pressure Jokes

The wife said one of the tires on her car needed more pressure

so I told it if I don’t seen any improvement in it’s sales number this quarter, its fired.

Why are assembly programmers always under a lot of pressure?

Because they work below C level

I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”

I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

Men’s Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

Why did the first koala fall out the tree

It was dead

Why did the second koala fall out the tree?

It got hit by the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?

Thought it was a race to the bottom

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die?

Got hit by four koala’s.

It might crack under pressure.

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby..and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Birthing someone

Puts a lot of pressure on the child

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don’t work well under pressure and I don’t like toxic work environments.

I can never come up with shower thoughts….

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.

Did you hear about the two melons who are being pressured by their parents into having a traditional wedding?

They cantaloupe

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

Engineers solving a problem

A guy goes on a trip with 3 Friends; an electrical engineer, a physics engineer and an IT specialist. Few hours into the trip the car breaks down. The electrical engineer says: “Well i know this issue, there must be some problems with the electronics of this car”.

The physics engineer says “Of course not! There was a problem with the pressure, i could hear that miles away”. The IT specialist calms them down and says “come on guys, lets just all get out of the car, get in again and see if that solves the problem.”

I was raised in a nuclear powered family.

My parents were so obsessed with appearances that external pressure overcame their repulsion for me.

As we were driving down the road, “Sweet Caroline” came on the radio. I said to my son, “Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal.”

“Until the pressure got to him.”

One of life’s most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio …..

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it’s Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee.

Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

I keep on getting peer pressured into playing the flamingo game

But I’m not going to play anymore. Im putting my foot down

My friends had an intervention for me

but my parents raised me not to give in to peer pressure.

Why are the docks a bad place to grow up

Too much pier pressure

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure…

The bomb squad captain said “either I’m right or it’s not my problem anymore.”

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

I never really used to enjoy peer pressure

But then my friends got me into it.

I hate peer pressure.

You should too!

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That’s 400000000 Pa, and that’s a lot of pressure.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle – not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up? Can’t handle the pressure of performing on stage?”

He says, “You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting.”

I am 33 and I feel like the pressure is on.

33 was the age Jesus Christ was crucified. I feel like someone really needs to nail me.

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

I would tell you guys a joke about pipes…

… But that would be too much pressure on me

I walked into a men’s room but couldn’t pee when I stood at the urinal as there were two people peeing next to me.

Too much peer pressure.

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, “The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old.”

The husband replies, “Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?”

She replied, “He never mentioned you, Jeff.”

When four of Santa’s elves got sick and the trainee elves didn’t produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back.

Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out his friend Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Don’t be scared, I’ve changed, I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian!”

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:

Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don’t know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tube, effectively pushing the ink forward. Genius … and it worked perfectly!

And the Russians? They used pencils.

It wasn’t any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don’t want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

Did you hear about the new manned mission that just arrived on venus?

They’re under a lot of pressure.

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

“There was this deep, hard, pumping pressure and I came so fast everyone around me got soaked!”

Well that escalated quickly

I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these drugs”

Duck: “No of course not because if I go to prison when I get out I plan to buy more”

The Officer responds: “well we can always put you in jail for a much longer time”

Eventually the duck cracked and told the police his who he bought it from

Duck: “Alright I bought it from a goose”

Officer: “I knew you would quack from the pressure”

I never knew how hard it was to captain a submarine…

Must be the pressure

A physician said, “You have High Blood Pressure”

“High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” The Doctor asked.
“Neither,” I replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”
“How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
I sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

Doctor: You’re going to feel a bit of pressure. Ready?

Me: Yes.
Doctor: Your sister is younger but already has a good career and owns her own home.

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: “I’ve left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the desk. Do not open the first one until things are totally terrible. The second letter should only be opened when you are sure there are no answers to your problems, when you are despairing.”

Khrushchev took over and enjoyed a Russian honeymoon. Then trouble followed: a failed harvest, the five-year plan was two years late and many rubles short, plotting by his political enemies…

At 3 a.m. one morning, Khrushchev broke down and opened the bottom desk drawer and read the first letter. In it was written one line:

“Blame everything on me . . . Stalin.”

So that’s what Khrushchev did and all the troubles of the present were pinned on the policies of his predecessor. It worked, and the pressure was off, for awhile.

The second honeymoon was brief. Hostilities along the Chinese border, another lousy crop and the humiliating Cuban missile crisis did very little for Khrushchev’s ratings and even less for his own peace of mind. He was down when he remembered the bottom desk drawer. Making certain he was alone, Khrushchev quietly opened the envelope and read the one-line message:

“Write two letters . . . Stalin.”

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I get very tensed & nervous when I am at man-made structures adjacent to shores.

It must be ‘pier pressure’.

What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles?

Fission chips.

Pressure Jokes
Pressure Jokes

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my
God.”
.
.
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies “Wonderful! I’ve lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture.”

The wife looks perplexed.

“In fact” the husband continued. “She said if I keep it going, I’ll be the healthiest I’ve been in a decade!”

“Great!” his wife replied “But” she continued, gesturing to his nose. “What did she say to do about your unsightly mole?”

The husband looks her in the eye and calmly says “Get a divorce”.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

My egg chose to take an examination.

It cracked under pressure.

The Doctor, The Lawyer, and The Autopsy

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Anyone wants to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There’s no pressure.

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I’m not sure but I can definitely perform “another one bites the dust”

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it’s KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat these days the reason why they use smart phone to play music is because they think a Sony Walkman must involve exercise.

Kids are so fat these days when their mothers tie their shoes the kid has to take her word for it.

Kids are so fat these days those benches on the school bus are now considered a seat for one.

You try telling kids are fat and they get all upset. “Tell us something we don’t know, old man” I said “Salad actually tastes good.”

But we shouldn’t make fun of fat kids, they got enough on their plate already.

Why can’t eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
“George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?”
A ghostly voice replied
“Tell the truth”
Trump knew that wouldn’t work, so next went to Jefferson.
” Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?”
Another voice said “Be for the people”
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked ” Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?”
A new voice drifted by saying
“Go to the Theater”

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That’s basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said, “No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Wealthy marriage facing economical pressure

They have decided to start saving up money

“Well honey, as you can see, we’re getting through serious money trouble, so we need to do sacrifices” the man told her “I was thinking that you might start to learn to do the laundry so we can fire the laundry man”

And her wife then glared at him “Oh yeah, well how about you learn how to fuck properly so we can fire the gardener?”

What do you call a fish that’s been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh…

fishhhh…

fishhhh…

Interviewer: Can you perform Under pressure?

No, but Bohemian Rhapsody I can.

My French friends can get me to do anything. I’m highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don’t know what a “tua” is but, I think I could manage one.

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

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